The constant Dance of Attention: Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a brain disorder that manifests as a pattern of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity that is more severe, frequent, or interferes with daily functioning than is typical for people of a similar developmental stage.
For those who have read my post on the Conscious Discipline Brain States, you may remember that the green brain controls a person’s executive functioning. This is done through the use of the brain’s prefrontal cortex. According to research, prefrontal cortex circuits, particularly those on the right side of the brain, are found to be less robust in people with ADHD (Arnsten, 2009).
Understanding ADHD is crucial for recognizing its impact on various aspects of life, including romantic relationships. This blog post delves into ADHD, the concept of masking, and its manifestation in romantic partnerships, offering insights and tips for individuals whose partners have ADHD.
What is ADHD?
ADHD is a mental health disorder that can cause above-normal levels of hyperactivity and impulsive behaviors. People with ADHD may also have trouble focusing their attention on a single task or sitting still for long periods of time. It’s not merely a childhood disorder; adults can have ADHD; the symptoms might just manifest differently.
I have heard so many people make the same assumptions about ADHD. In their minds, ADHD is a condition where children cannot sit still. The ADHD child’s hyperactive running around serves as proof of this. However, ADHD is so much more complex and has many layers. ADHD affects people across the lifespan (across different ages), and it shows up in different parts of life, not just in hyperactivity.
The symptoms of ADHD are:
- Struggles with Attention:
- Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities.
- Frequently seems not to listen when spoken to directly.
- Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace.
- Has difficulty organizing tasks and activities.
- Avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort.
- Often loses things needed for tasks and activities.
- Is easily distracted by outside sources (extraneous stimuli).
- Forgetful in daily activities.
- Hyperactivity and Impulsiveness:
- Often fidgets with or taps hands or feet or squirms in seat.
- Leaves their seat in situations where remaining seated is expected.
- Runs about or climbs in situations where it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, it may be limited to feeling restless).
- Unable to play or engage in leisure activities quietly.
- Is “on the go” acting as if “driven by a motor.”?
- Talks excessively.
- Blurts out an answer before a question has been completed.
- Has difficulty waiting his or her turn.
- Interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).
To be diagnosed with ADHD, these behaviors must be more severe than what is typically observed in individuals at a comparable level of development. These behaviors should:
- Be present in two or more settings (e.g., at home, school, or work; with friends or relatives; in other activities).
- Cause clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.
- Not be better explained by another mental disorder.
The DSM-5 requires that several symptoms be present before the age of 12, although the diagnosis can be made in adolescents and adults as well.
Remember, only a qualified healthcare provider can diagnose ADHD following a thorough evaluation. This simplification is to help understand the criteria, not to self-diagnose.
Masking in ADHD
Masking plays a large role for people who have ADHD. This topic deserves its own post. However, I would like to introduce the topic to you now. Keep an eye out for a future post about ADHD Masking.
Masking, also known as camouflaging, involves people with ADHD (or other neurodiverse conditions) consciously, (actively choosing to), or unconsciously concealing or hiding their ADHD symptoms. This is often done to fit into social norms or avoid negative judgment. We, as people, naturally gravitate towards community and people. Since people with ADHD are neurodivergent, they think and operate differently than someone with a neurotypical brain.
Since masking requires energy, it can be mentally and emotionally taxing and result in feelings of identity loss or loneliness. I have met many people who had ADHD and didn’t realize they had been masking basically their entire lives, and they felt so out of touch with who they really were because they had worn a mask for so long.
Examples of Masking in ADHD:
- Overcompensating in Social Situations: Laughing along at jokes they didn’t understand or pretending to have an interest in conversations.
- Mimicking Others: Copying the behaviors, mannerisms, or work habits of the people around you to appear more neurotypical or to blend in.
- Hiding Symptoms: Avoiding situations where their symptoms might be noticed or working extra hard to keep their living or work spaces organized. This is exhausting to do!
ADHD can present unique challenges in romantic relationships. Understanding these challenges is key to fostering a supportive and loving partnership.
How ADHD May Look in a Romantic Relationship:
Forgetfulness and Inattention: Missing important dates or failing to listen during conversations can be misconstrued as carelessness. You may have noticed your partner continually forgetting important details like anniversaries or birthdays. Or you may have seen them start a conversation with you and quickly fade away, as if their body is there with you in the conversation but their brain is somewhere else entirely.
They are not doing this on purpose, it is a symptom of ADHD running unchecked. It’s often not that those dates or conversations are not important to your partner, it’s that their brain is wired a bit differently than yours.
Impulsivity: Making spontaneous decisions without consulting the partner, which can lead to misunderstandings or conflicts.
I have heard this fight a lot among people in my work and life. The ADHD partner sees something they are excited about and immediately thinks, I should get this; my partner will love it! They don’t think deeply about how that purchase may impact the budget at that moment.
Emotional Dysregulation: Experiencing intense emotions that can escalate conflicts or lead to misunderstandings.
Have you ever had a conversation with your partner and it quickly blows up into someone so much bigger than it should be? The neurodivergent brain receives information differently, and it can lead to quick assumptions that trigger a strong emotional response. In moments like these, I would encourage you to take a step back, for both of your sakes, breathe, and then go back into the conversation when you are both regulated and calm again.
- Educate yourself about ADHD: Understanding the condition can foster empathy and patience.
- Communicate Openly and Clearly: Direct communication can help mitigate misunderstandings and clarify expectations. Do Not assume your partner understands your thoughts or expectations just because you have been together for a long time. They don’t always think like that. Be clear and direct.
- Establish Routines Together: Creating structured plans can help manage the unpredictability associated with ADHD. The ADHD brain loves a routine. When plans suddenly change, it can throw the neurodivergent brain into a tailspin.
- Focus on Strengths: Emphasize the positive aspects of your partner’s ADHD, such as creativity or the ability to think outside the box. Just like how you enjoy receiving compliments and positive encouragement, your partner does too!
- Seek Support When Needed: Consider couples therapy or ADHD coaching to develop strategies tailored to your relationship. Remember, it is a sign of strength when you reach out for help.
ADHD can undoubtedly influence the dynamics of a romantic relationship, but with understanding, patience, and communication, couples can navigate these challenges successfully. Remember, every relationship has its ups and downs, and being in a relationship with someone with ADHD is no different—it just requires a bit of extra understanding and adaptability. By educating yourself about ADHD, practicing open communication, and focusing on the strengths of the partnership, individuals can build a strong, supportive, and loving relationship with their partner who has ADHD.
ADHD symptoms can manifest in various ways within a relationship setting, affecting both partners and the dynamic of the relationship itself. Understanding these symptoms can foster empathy and patience, allowing both individuals to work together towards a healthier, more supportive partnership.
Here are several examples of ADHD symptoms in a relationship setting:
Individuals with ADHD might frequently interrupt their partner while they are talking. This is often not done with the intention of being rude but rather as a result of impulsivity and a fear of forgetting what they want to say if they wait for their turn to speak.
Some individuals with ADHD might turn to substances like caffeine or marijuana to help manage their symptoms. Caffeine is a stimulant, which can help increase alertness and concentration, while marijuana might be used to reduce anxiety and hyperactivity. However, relying on substances for symptom management instead of or in addition to prescribed medication and therapy can lead to its own set of challenges in a relationship.
A common symptom of ADHD is difficulty organizing tasks and maintaining order in physical spaces. This can lead to a cluttered living environment, misplaced personal items, or forgotten responsibilities, which can be a source of frustration for both partners. Be honest, do you have that one drawer where you just stuff your belongings into?
During conversations or shared activities, an individual with ADHD might seem as if they’re not fully present, easily getting distracted by external stimuli or unrelated thoughts. This can be confused with a lack of interest or affection, leading to misunderstandings.
ADHD sufferers frequently experience issues with procrastination, underestimating how long tasks will take, or being chronically late. This can disrupt plans and lead to conflicts within a relationship, especially if the partner feels their time is not being valued.
Individuals with ADHD may experience intense emotions and might have difficulty regulating these emotions. This can result in sudden outbursts of anger or frustration during what might seem like minor disagreements, leading to escalated or worsened conflicts.
Forgetting anniversaries, appointments, or even daily tasks can occur in individuals with ADHD. While it might be unintentional, it can sometimes be perceived as carelessness or a lack of consideration by their partner.
The constant change in attention and energy levels can lead to inconsistency in completing household chores or tasks. One day, an individual with ADHD might have the energy to do a thorough cleaning of the home but then struggle to do any housework for days or weeks after.
By recognizing these symptoms as manifestations of ADHD rather than personal failings or a lack of interest can help partners develop strategies to address the problems constructively. Strategies might include setting up reminders, breaking tasks into smaller steps, establishing a routine, and using positive reinforcement to acknowledge efforts and successes. Couples therapy or counseling specifically experienced in ADHD can also provide valuable tools and strategies to improve communication and understanding within the relationship.
In conclusion, understanding and addressing ADHD symptoms in romantic relationships is crucial for building a supportive and loving partnership. By educating yourself about ADHD, practicing open communication, and focusing on strengths, couples can navigate these challenges successfully.
References
Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). ADHD and the prefrontal cortex. The Journal of Pediatrics, 154(5). https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpeds.2009.01.018
Thanks for outlining the specific challenges those with ADHD and their partners can face! It’s a good reminder to both parties that a little grace in a relationship can go a long way.